I can’t even tell how low this point in my life really is. I can’t see the depths of my bleakness, but I know it’s so difficult that I cannot find the strength to go on anymore. I’ve probably felt this way before, but I can’t remember. All I remember is that I know I got through the toughest periods in my life so far, and I’ll probably get through this. I know it, but I don’t know how to bring myself through this. All these problems have always been there. I’ve been trying to fight it. I’ve been trying so hard for so long to fight for things that I want, for feelings that I want to feel, for achievements that I want to attain and for a love that I want to treasure. But at this stage, I’ve realised that some things will never be mine, and any attempt to fight for it just renders me feeling so worthless and incompetent. I wish I had more courage to face failure, but my capacity to deal with my incompetency is bursting and I can’t deal with any more disappointment. What is disappointing, really isn’t your inability to give me what I expect. This disappointment lies in the realisation that what I expected from you was never what I deserved anyway. It is insane how important to me you have become in such a short span of time. Now I find that that empty space without you in my life will never be the same again, and I’ll miss that. I don’t know what I’ll miss exactly, because at this very moment I am so blinded by the darkness and pain that I cannot remember how it was like when I was truly happy. I cannot handle any more weight on my shoulders. My relationship’s fucked, and I can’t even turn to my studies because exams are next week and I haven’t even started revising anything at all. I am nauseated at the thought of what I have become. I want to disappear. I want to disappear but I don’t have anywhere that I want to be at all. I want to disappear into nothing. I want to see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing. I want to do nothing, and I want to be nothing. I don’t want to be full of nothing, which is what I am now. I want this empty shell to completely disappear off the surface of this planet. I don’t want to be a disappointment, and I don’t want to be a failure. I just want to disappear, but I don’t know how.